Multiple Fursonality
by notsosolemnly
Summary: Rem is acting weirder than usual. But James, the expert psychologist, has the answer.
1. Chapter 1

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 1

Sirius entered McGonagall's office but no, not to be scolded for poisoning the rats (and thereby her cats, as well as his own. He had not thought that one through). It was time for some of that career's advice!

"Take a seat," she said.

"Don't you have a real career's advisor?"

"We used to. But it's not rocket science. An idiot could do it." She looked over his marks and various reports while asking her questions. "Any idea what you'd like to do for your two-week work placement? What are you interested in?"

"Money and leisure."

"Yes I, too, though you'd be into politics..."

"But that sounds _so... not-_ anarchistic."  
"I see. Well, the bad news is you've shown to be super clever."

"And what's the bad news?"

"The _bad_ news is you can do anything you like.

"Ok. And the bad news?"

"I meant bad news for the people you bully."

" _Oh."_

"Bad news is there are no bad news for you."

That probably upset her more than anybody else.

"Ever considered going into law? You get to find ways around them, argue with authorities and object to loads of things."

That was true, he'd get to say: I put it to you! Not to mention the money! But somehow Sirius just didn't want the same job as his dad! He shrugged.

"What was the other thing I was thinking..," said McGonagall. "I got the idea from Professor Slughorn, because he had suggested the same thing to Mr Snape. How does _dentist_ sound?"

Sirius's first reaction was that he did not want to get into the same professional field as Snape and Roy. But his second reaction was that it could be his ticket to becoming a drummer in a succesful rock band. And then a frontman/pianist in the same succesful rock band since he didn't actually play the drums.

"Why do you think I'd make a good dentist?" he asked, still somewhat insulted to be called a maladjusted sociopath to his face like this.

"Your temperament is wrong for the priesthood, and teaching will suit you still less."

"I still don't want to be a dentist. Especially if _Sourpus Grape_ is going to be a dentist!"

"You don't have to worry about him. He is still hellbent on teaching, as it happens."

"Really?" No, _really?_

"I know but there you go," McGonagall replied, just as puzzled over the fact that somebody who hated children, had no people skills and thought all questions were stupid questions wanted to be a teacher. This was probably because Snape knew that nobody in the world would ever want to hire him except for Dumbledore.

Sirius envisioned himself in dentist robes and performing a musical number in front of a terrorstruck patient while inhaling laugh gas for a moment. Then he popped it with his perfect nail.

"I remember what I want to do now!" he said.

"Ok what?"

"Radio!"

XXX

The turn came to James. He stepped into McGonagall's office, and she invited him to sit. How nice, to be _invited_ to sit.

"Well," said McGonagall. "The bad news is you're brilliant."

"And what's the bad news?"

"It's not news. Just unfair. Ok, so what do you want to do? And _please_ don't say you want to play elite Quidditch!"

"Why not? What's wrong with wanting to play elite quidditch?"

"It's childish!"

"Would it be a complete waste of my brilliance?"

"The competition is really tough."

"HA! I laugh in the face of competition! Or I reckon I would, if I ever came across it!"

"Ohhh dear... Look, surely playing elite quidditch for some ten years can't compare to some of the other things you sometimes do?"

James wasn't entirely sure what she was referring to. Did he ever do other things she was meant to know of? He also really liked the prospect of being a hot Quidditch celebrity for ten or so years, travelling the world for various cups and then retiring in his mid-to late thirties in a huge palace in wizard's LA, collecting veteran broomsticks and occasionally acting as a commentator on telly when he wasn't designing underpants.

McGonagall popped his fantasy with a perfect tartan-painted nail.

"How does spending the work placement assisting the Fire Brigade sound?"

"The Fire Brigade? Sign me up!"

XXX

The turn came to Peter.

McGonagall looked over her papers, her brows in a toubled 'V'.

"Hmmmm. Hmmmm. What about... Hmmmm..."

Peter sighed.

"Do you like swabbing floors in your free time?"

XXX

And Remus, well he could only avoid career's advice with McGonagall until he could avoid it no more. And McGonagall was quite up to heRE with his sour attitude.

"Sit up! Don't pout! Look at me! This is _not_ a 'stupid waste of time'!"

Yes it was.

"So, the good news is you're _really_ clever and _really_ brilliant."

Tosh. She probably said that to everybody.

"The bad news is nobody likes a sourpus! But I'm not going to suggest dentistry. Besides, I want you all to choose your work placement place really carefully. So, what do you want to do?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Try me."  
"Accounting."

"Accounting?"

That was always handy in prisons, at least in films.

XXX

Meanwhile James and Sirius (Peter was there, but didn't say much) were talking about their career's advice.

"She thinks you'd make a good dentist?" James asked, entertained by this.

"She does. And sure, I could do it for the laugh gas and musical numbers. But then I decided to go with rude pirate radio."

"You should go to the Fire Brigade with me! There must be a musical about the fire brigade!"

"When you find one, let me know."  
They were just outside McGonagall's office, and when Remus came out they naturally asked him about his talk.

"How did it go?" James asked.

"Fine. She asked me: What do you want to do? And I said: Accounting."

"Smart," Sirius nodded. "You know whatelse would be good? Jailor. No, even better yet! Prison architect!"

"You do know that prison isn't like Jail House Rock?" James asked. "Or The Producers?"

"Oh! Oh! You should have said: Producer!"

"If you had seen the Producers you'd know why I said accounting," said Remus.

"If _you_ had seen The Producers you'd know why you _shouldn't_ have said accounting."  
" _You_ should have just said Liza Minelli, Padfoot!" said James, because Liza Minelli was the only musical theatre reference he knew.

Then Fletcher came out from Sprout's office, for apparently everybody had their caree's advice with their respective Heads of House.

"So Fletch," said Sirius. "What do you want to be when you grow balls?"

"A Keeper of Seeds!" Fletcher replied with great enthusiasm.

"Hm..," There seemed to be a joke in there somewhere. Oh well. "Don't tell me more about it."

"I'm going to have my work placement at the Archive of Botany!"  
"Is that one of those more rigid orders that don't allow women?"

"Not unless they grow on trees. And they have all sorts of amazing trees there! There's a tree that grows laughing heads, there's the one that grows naked women, The Rapist's Temptation, and there's even a money tree!" Fletcher sighed and drooled. "They even have the Kalpavriksha, but it's as you can imagine guarded by terrible things! What's the Kalpavriksha, I hear you ask?"

"Nobody asked that," said James.

"It's a tree that grants wishes! Bet you'd like to have your work placement at the Archive of Botany now! Well, they only have room for one more so I guess you'll have to fight over it!"  
There was a sound like that of a gun shot, as they were often heard in spaghetti westerns. Fletcher jumped.

"What was that?!"

It had either been a gun shot, or somebody disappearing very fast in a cartoon.


	2. Chapter 2

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 2

The first day of the two week long work placement came. The Archive of Magical Botany had their massive dome shaped green house on a plain in the County of Old Mead.

"This is exciting!" said Fletcher, excited. "For us to have our work placement together like this, at the same place!"

"Mhm," said Remus, already on the lookout of striking looking trees and passages to guarded archives, and wondering who he needed to either suck up to or trap in bubblegum, depending on their willingness to co-operate.

"I've heard they use some properly frightening things to guard their secrets!" said Fletcher, white as a cabbage moth. "I say! In this day and age, with all the truck driving into malls and racist comics buildings, one can not trust anybody or anything! But I trust you, because you're the most un-scary person I know!"  
How... sweet...

"Well people aren't always what they seem," said Remus.

"I know. People aren't always what the seem. Except for you."  
"Uhm yeah but you really shouldn't make assumptions like that."  
"I know. But I just _know_ you couldn't scare a daffodil. I'm a really good judge of character."

"Are you taking the piss?"

"Look there's a Seed Keeper coming towards us now! It must be the Wizard Rowan!"

The wizard in question wore a green hooded robe and nettle gloves. He smiled brightly and brought with him whiffs of fresh soil, dandelions and manure. Fletcher had to quickly revise everything he had drunk today and theorise who might have a crush on him.

"I have been known to turn the odd eye..." he said, while a swarm of flies buzzed around him. "You know what flies like, don't you?"

"I do..."

"Honey!"

"Oh, _right!"_

"Hello!" said the strange wizard. "I'm Bergamot Rowan! You must be here for your work placement!"  
He shook hands with them both as he took their names.

"So, you chaps are really keen on the magical flora, are you? Wonderful! Between you-sees and me-sees, we're actually a bit understaffed at the moment. Turns out youngsters today have better things to do than watch grass grow. I mean, it may sound unexciting but how many have actually stopped to really observe grass for the duration of its growth? Not many!"

He guided them through what looked like a jungle, leading them to a room where they could change into their garden robes.

"I thought I'd put you to work straight away," he said when they had changed and led them past a wide range of quirky bushes and flowerbeds.

"The Vegetable Lamb needs weeding. Be careful not to cut off the umbilical cord. Also, get rid of the slugs."  
He left them with a pamphlet of gardening spells.

"Questions before I leave you to it?"

"I have a question!" said Remus. "Where is the seed archive?"

"That is a secret. Only the Council of Elder Herblorists may know where that is. You see, there are some trees that have been taken advantage of in such away they can't be accessible to the public. And I'm not talking about the Rapist's Temptation. That one is just over there."  
A tree with women for branches tittered near a pond.

"Why the secrecy?" Remus asked. "Seems a little paranoid."

"We Brothers of the Garden are extremely secretive and paranoid! Are you secretive and paranoid?"

"I'm very paranoid!" Fletcher said.

"Good! You better be! Anything else?"

"No sir!"  
"Good! I'll check on your later."  
The chaps began to search the garden for little Jamaican heads with blood shot eyes and reefers in their mouth. They flung every such head in the weed bucket Rowan had left with them.

"No mon I did not shoot the deputeeeeee..," cried one.

"No weedin no cry!" cried another.

Fletcher kept their tiny reefers for his own use, clearly not finding it at all unsanitary.

His pupils widened.

"Rocking horse-flies!"  
There really were rocking horse-flies, 'though.

"Bread and butterflies!"  
And those as well.

"And good day to you too, Captain Blackbeard, it _is_ a fine day for looting, isn't it?"

There was, however, not a ghost of any undead pirate around. Remus stuck his hands under a bed of Dandy Lions (not to be confused with the weed with a similar name) and grabbed a fistful of green put them down, browsed the pamphlet real quick, and cast the _Salus._ The pile of slugs whistled like a kettle as it shrunk and dried.

"And you, as well!" said Fletcher.

"So, uhm, do you know a lot about this place?" Remus asked him.

"All I know is that there is a map over it and I have it somewhere, that's all."  
"How did you come by it?"

"All I know is that my father, Lochlomon Fletcher, is an accountant. And you've seen the Producers, haven't you? He only became an accountant so he could cheat with the figures or summit. That's how he wound up in jail the first time. This was before I was born. Sent him down the path of crime. Once he was out he wanted access to the Seed Archive and the money seed. He never made it inside, because of the stuff guarding the place. But he knew where it was, because of that map."  
"Where's the map now?"

"All I know is I have it right here."

He reached inside his robes and took out a scroll with a red ribbon. It all seemed to easy so far.

"Any ideas what the guarding things were?"

"All I know is that the archive is guarded by the Vampire Vine."  
"And your dad was completely unprepared and didn't know how to get by it?"

"All he told me was that he was completely unprepared and didn't know how to get by it. I've looked it up myself since. I figure, if it's anything like a plant based Vampire, garlic ought to do it, don't you think? Or a crucifix?"

" _Well-"_

"By the way, the vine in question was Eastern Orthodox."

"Oh really? So anyway, can I have that map?"

"Have my super rare and secret map are you mad?"

"Not even for some Lorazepam?" Remus rattled a jar.

Fletcher dropped the map faster than he could say Laserparmesan.


	3. Chapter 3

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 3

The two weeks of work placement flew by. Now they were over.

Night was falling. James, returning from Quidditch, met up with Sirius, who returned from drama.

"Moran what an idiot," said James.

"Roy what a twit," said Sirius.

Despite the evening having fallen already, white light showered through the tall gothic windows, forming lovely patterns of squares. Moonlight.

"Oh is that the time?" said James, looking at a clock. "Guess we better get a move on."  
They pushed open the enormous doors to the Founder Memorial gallery, crossed it and came out in a hall that happened to intersect with the Prefect corridor.

"Hello."

Remus emerged from the shadows.

Just... what? Why wasn't he in bed with a razor sharp migraine, high fever and being completely delirious?

Never ever had he seemed so completely unfaffected on an evening such as this.

"The hell do you think you're doing?!" Sirius asked. Quite frankly he was angry.

"Prefect thing. Only just finished."

"'Prefect thing'? Have you forgotten there's a super moon out?"

"Really?" He looked out one of the gothic windows. It was currently clouding up, but the super moon could not be missed. "The correct term is actually _perigee syzygy."_

Oh dear this truly was severe! He was rambling incoherent nonsense!

"Get him!" said James.

Sirius pinned Remus to the floor, and James helped adding weight.

"What are you doing? Get off me!" Squashed under the two, Remus fought for release, but with no results.

"Trying to think," Sirius replied.

"But I'm fine! I've never felt better!"

"That's just the crazy talking! Don't listen to the pedigree sashimi, it's just your imagination!"

"I'm not crazy!"

"Crazy people always say that!"

"Damn now what do we do?" James asked.

Pomfrey had straightjackets, but the Hospital Wing was on the other side of the castle. The chaps were absolutely stumped on how to handle this sudden emergency. Outside the clouds were parting again and they were so unbelievably nervous, like their hearts were going to rip through their chests.

A couple of prefects passed them by, looking down at them and asking what they were doing.

"We're saving your lives!" Sirius yelled in their nosy faces.

"No, actually," said James. "We dared him to inhale a hundred tanks of helium."  
"The helium, not the tanks."

"If he had inhaled a hundred tanks we would not be needing to keep him down right now, obviously."  
"It's the _tanks_ we get..."

The prefects accepted the silly story and carried on. Thankfully this area was generally not very heavily frequented.

Meanwhile the parachute syngery was looking ever so magnificent, in its supersized glory. Sirius looked to see if Remus's eyebrows were still two separate eyebrows.

"One, two. How do you feel?"

"Awesome," Remus replied, strumming his fingers against the floor and sounding bored.

"Honest?"

"Yup."

"Must be annoying, to have us sit on top of you."

"Even so, I feel _juuuuuuuuuuuuust_ awesome."  
"Well you're obviously lying, which means your word can't be trusted. Irritable?"

"Nope."

"Not even a little?"

"What does it matter, if my word can't be trusted?"

"It can be trusted, if it's belieavable.."

"I am getting annoyed, 'though."  
"Really? Well, irritability is a precursor to blind rage so we better sit on you some more."

Seconds ticked away. Clouds came and went.

"Well this is weird," said James. "You really do seem fine. But we really have to be sure."

Sirius lit his wand and used it to look in Remus's eyes.

"Pupils dilated. Ok open up, say 'aaaah'."

"No stop it!" Remus protested and kept pushing the wand away from his face.

"Hey man this is for all our safety don't you care about safety? It's this or be dragged to Pom-Pom!"

Having suffered enough humiliation tonight, he could probably stand to suffer some more, especially if it was the condition on which the chaps would not tattle-tale to Pom-Pom or McGonagall.

"Aaaaaarsehole!"

"That _is_ curious!"

"What is?" James asked.

"Those teeth. I could not cut myself on those."

"Look, remember the Kalpavriksha?" Remus asked.

"No, is that a friend of Princess Cheese Shoe Shine?"

"Short story: It's a Wishing Tree. I nicked the last seed from the Garden Archive, planted it. And lo, it grew a fruit."

And what happened after that was too obvious for him to recount.

"Well why didn't you say so before then?" James asked.

"I didn't want to say anything, in case it wouldn't work."  
"You could have mentioned it, I don't know, sometime before just now!"

"But I didn't know if it had really worked until now."

"But still you went to some prefect thing?"

"I was still fairly certain."

Despite being a little angry for not having been informed, the chaps were still truly amazed. They just couldn't believe it. And they were _sure_ they were looking at the right calendar, they always double-triple-quadruple checked nowadays after the _incident._


	4. Chapter 4

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 4

Like any sensible being who went from cursed to curse-free, Remus swapped his previously pious lifestyle to a fullblown hedonistic one. He became a new person. Almost _too_ new.

For some reason this caused James to be plagued with thoughts of a most annoying and invasive nature.

"I am plagued by thoughts of a most annoying and invasive nature," he confessed to Sirius one evening.

"Pray tell, my friend."

"It's Moo."

"Shocking!"  
"He just doesn't seem like himself at all. Do you know what I mean?"

"Could you give an example?"

"I don't know if it's the relentless partying, drug abuse or the fact that he seems to be going for some Male Slut award."  
"I know! Isn't it wonderful?"

"I guess it would be, wasn't it also for the rude graffiti, cheating at poker games and making Sprout cry."  
"You've done all those things."  
"Yeah but it's normal when _I_ do it!"  
"Oh come on! Let the boy have some fun for once in his life. Who'd act any other way, in that situation?"

"Of course you're right. I guess it's mostly the unprovoked arson I can't make any sense of."

"Kids! The things we do sometimes!"  
"But to a rabbit farm in Hogsmead?"

"Your problem is you're trying to find a problem with all this. This situation does have an air of Too-Good-To-Last looming over it. But it's just your overactive imagination. No reason we can't all rejoice in this. You're just suffering from exam stress."  
"I guess you're right."  
"Now Slug's got his toupees. We got this box of Demon Lice. Let's let out some of that exam steam! And lice."

They were wandering down the dungeon, where Slughorn had his chamber.

They didn't expect to run into anybody here at this hour, so they didn't pay much attention to where they stepped. This was how Sirius came to nearly trip over Raz Vicious. Thankfully he didn't drop that box.

"What the..," said James.

It was quite a disturbing sight. Raz Vicious sat on the floor, sobbing. The only place he didn't have bubblegum was his ears. The chaps could see this because his pants were also down.

"Oh wow," said James. "Right in the Excuse Me."  
"What, his penis?" Sirius asked.

" _No,_ his _bottom!"  
_ " _Oh!"  
_ Raz Vicious was a Slytherin jerk, so the chaps had no qualms about just leaving him there, thinking he had got his just deserts. It had just _looked_ so upsetting. James could not shaked the image from his mind.  
"Served him right!" he said, to reassure himself.

Yet for some crazy reason, he did not feel any glee at all. And he hated Slytherins! What was wrong with him?

"Ok I'm scared now," Sirius whispered.

But then James understood perfectly, and felt much better.

"I think I know what's going on," he said.

"Ok what?"

"Sometimes quiet pushovers just lose it completely. It's because they'r repressing a trauma. As a way to deal with their unprocessed issues they develope an alternate personality in order to express their frustration."

"Wow you sure know a lot about this! Where did you learn all that?"

"Spells & Curses."

"Then it must be true!"  
"I know! They wouldn't, like, just make stuff up!"  
"But why snap _now,_ when things are great?"

"Alas, I just don't know."  
Despite this theory being really plausible, they still needed to find a way to make sure.


	5. Chapter 5

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 5

There really was only one way to be sure. It wasn't a very fun way, but it had to be done. In fact, it was probably way overdue anyway. James and Sirius returned to the dorm. Currently Remus seemed like himself. A self with fewer concerns and more plans for the future. He was reading a letter.

"Now remember," James whispered to Sirius at the door. "Let me do the talking!"  
"Why you?"

"Do you want bubblegum in your Excuse Me? Well do you?"

Sirius swallowed. "No."  
"There you go, then!"

"Do you?"

"No..."

James was having second thoughts now.

"Alright you do the talking!"

"Hey now!"

"But you must be delicate! Like you're handling a flower with words!"  
"Sod that PC nonsense!"  
"Or don't be delicate. It's your call."

Sirius decided to opt for the PC delicate flower word-handling. But he was having trouble getting started.

"Ugh are things going to become all serious now? I mean, it was Raz Vicious!"  
James had already chickened out once tonight, so he would simply have to take the first step.

"What's that letter you're reading?" he asked.

"It's a little early," Remus replied. "But sometimes you have to be early."

"Early for what?"

"I sent my application to the St Mungos Medical School. And they've already accepted me."  
"But that's great!"

"So that's what you want to do if given a choice?" Sirius asked. "Heal people's bottoms- I mean bodies?"

"I wasn't thinking of getting into proctology, that's for sure!" Remus replied.

"Of course not. What were you thinking of getting in them- into? Gum? Gums, I mean. I mean dentistry. Not that you're in any way a maladaptive sociopath!"  
"All my dentists have been wonderful!" said James. "They've all given me the stickers! In my hand, not my bottom!"

"Well actually," said Remus. "I was thinking of surgery!"  
"That is really cool!" said Sirius, "Slash them open and rip their guts out, I can see why you'd be interested in that. I mean, I don't at all. What I mean is that it involves stitching and you like sewing. That's not offensive."

"Are you ok?"

"I am great and I don't need a physical, thank you."  
"You can't offend me anymore."  
"Want to bet?"

"Well it's great that you applied like over a year in advance," said James. "Just great! So no matter what happens, you still have that letter!"

"What might happen?"

"Nothing! That's the best part! Nothing at all!"  
"Ok."  
Then he went back to reading his letter.

"Hey one thing, 'though!" said James. "Just that... You know. Wow! Medical School! New place, new people! Inner existential monologues at the end of each episode- I mean week."

"Yeah they really liked the sample monologues I sent them!"

"Awesome! However... Oh, how do I put this? Just that, if it were _me,_ I'd want to arrive...uhm...uhhh..."

He turned to Sirius. " _Help me out here!"  
"_Without baggage!" came Sirius, to instant rescue.

"Yes!That!"

"I mean, do you even remember what it was like coming here with all the baggage? Surely you don't want to go over that again."

"But I wont be," said Remus.

"No. Of course not. Not exactly anyway. But it's like surgery. You cut a person open and do your thing. Then you stitch them back together and wipe off the sore with Heal-All. It may look like it's gone, but the pain is still there. The point is, you might well be cured now, but it doesn't mean you've _healed._ Man!"

"Why do you think that?"

The chaps weren't about to bring up Raz Vicious and the bubblegum in his Excuse Me. Not just yet anyway. That was not the objective of this _talk._

"Because you have never proved it."  
"I have to _prove it_ now?"

"If you want us to believe you."  
"Prove it how?"

This was it. The point they had been trying to get to. Were thing going to become really serious now? Would they be needng tissues? Or ice?

Because according to James, the way to deal with traumas in Spells & Curses was to _talk_ about them.

And they always had tissues on hand!

Well, here it went.

"When you can talk about what happened," said Sirius. "I'll believe you've come to terms."

"I told you what happened. Fletcher had this map, I asked if I could have it and as for the agnostic water, well, maybe the Count asked for a few shady favours in return for some of his but we, like, go _waaay_ back at this point and you know, in Ancient Greece it was very common for-"  
"Not _that!_ Wait, who's the Count? Don't answer that, we're just getting side tracked. I meant the Splitting!"

"Oh..."  
The ball was in his court now.

He looked down at his letters and thought for a while.

"I remember it like it was yesterday. Miss Pemblebrook's golden locks resting over the laced collars of the mother-die blouse she always wore on our field trips to the forest. Because she had replaced so many buttons alreadys he didn't mind of the branches tore at it some more. My favourite was the third one from the top, the size of a penny and a shimmering nacre, concave with three holes, because she said it had been given to her by the fairies-"

"Who's Miss Pemblebrook?"

"There were six of us from the little nursery in Dingy's Bog out that day to look at trees. Miss could name them all. There was the Pine Tree. The rowan tree. The juniper tree. The elder tree. The maple tree. The beech tree. The birch tree. The oak tree. The chestnut tree. The hazel tree, although the particulare specimen she pointed out was a shrub, I think. What else? The poplar. The ash."

Sirius got bored and wanted to interrupt the arboreal index recitation, but James urged him not to.

" _Flower with words!"  
_ And so, what felt like ten minutes later.

"The linden tree. The hawthorn. The elm, of course..."

And what felt like another ten minutes later.

"The aspen. Mind, this was winter so none of these had leaves. Did I get them all? Feels like I forgot one..."

"No you got them all!" Sirius assured him.

He hoped this wouldn't end in tears now, because he had folded all the tissues to cranes and they had pecked sores in his face and escaped.

"Oh well," said Remus. "We also did bids. The magpie. The black bird. The chaffinch. Gold finch. Bullfinch. We even saw the silhouetto of a bohemian waxwing."

"Aha and did you stay all night to look at owls or something?"

"I even heard a woodpecker."  
"You know, if listing birds makes it easier for you, by all means-"

"And it was at that point I strayed from the group."

Oh hello.

Whilst before he had just been retelling a memory, now he seemed to have been transfered to the past. His eyes were wide open, absorbed into the past now and looking at the next events with horror, whilst the story became less embellished and a lot more fragmented.

"Next thing I know I'm at a rotten door. So, so cold. So, so dark. Mustard. Mustard in his eyebrows. I'm crying for my mum and dad. I don't want to touch the soup because of the dead mice. I want to go home. The fire has died out now. And then... And then..."

He burst into tears and cried into his hands, but he got it together pretty soon.

"And then what happened?" Sirius asked.

When Remus looked up again, his eyes were dry as whole wheat rye bread and there were no veins that would betray him.

"How should I know, sugar tits? I wasn't there!"

There was something seriously off with that voice. It was low and raspy.

"What's with the voice?" James asked.

"This is my voice. Did you like my story? It was kind of cliché, but I couldn't access the original."

"Who are you?"

"Name's Bruce Lee."

James had to laugh.

"Is that funny to you?"

"Bruce Lee? Like the celebrity martial artist?"

No answer.

Well James had thought it was serious, but not _this_ serious!

"And then what happened in Spells & Curses?" Sirius whispered.

"I don't know it's been on hiatus since!"  
Her turned back to Bruce Lee.

"Tell me, Bruce. Do you know that you're parasiting on somebody else's mind and body?"

"Of course I do," Bruce replied.

"You are nothing more than a repressed trauma personified!"  
"That's so impressive how you figured that out. Freud must be sponging off your mind."

"It's pretty obvious, actually."  
"You're right anyway. I am indeed a repressed trauma personified."  
"Yes, we've just established that, mate. Laugh all you want. It's why you decided to come and join us now. We were having a serious break through, but you had to crash it because it was a threat to your very existence."

"Yes. That is exactly right, tight biscuits."

"So... Kindly take a hike-won-doe now."  
Bruce looked in Remus's little green calendar.

"Prefect thing, it says here. If I go now I could still catch it."

"What business do you have there?" Sirius asked.

"No idea, but it's in the calendar, so..."  
Bruce bid them both a ta-ta and then he was out of the dorm.

"That went well," said Sirius.

"This is some seriously repressed issues we're dealing with," said James. "I think we will just have to try a different method to get him to come to terms with his traumas."

But since this was such a delicate matter, they needed to look for methods in a reliable source of information about psychology.

Spells & Curses reruns.


	6. Chapter 6

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 6

A couple of days later James and Sirius decided to take the cards they had made for a test ride in the library. There, in one of the private study rooms, they were shocked to find Remus dissecting a dismembered head. They even screamed a little.

"Relax!" he said. "It's from a zombie!"

 _Phew!_

Although that definitely sounded like him, they still needed to be clear on who they were dealing with at this very moment.

James pulled out a chair for himself, shuffling the cards.

"So who are we today?" he asked.

"Uhm... We're the Queen of England?"

"Oh I see! So what brings you to Hogwarts, your majesty?"

Remus glanced at Sirius. "Are you in on this, too?"

"Sooo... you're _not_ the Queen of England, then?" Sirius asked.

"No."

"Ok. Just checking. Bruce..."  
"Ok then. Larry..."  
"Who's Larry?"

"Who's Bruce? I thought we were saying random names."  
He was definitely not fibbing because in Spells & Curses, the sponging personality never acted skeptical. James shuffled the cards some more.

"What's that?" Remus asked him.

"Just some water colours I'm working on."

"Can I see?"

"Ok! So let's hear what you make of this one!"  
He showed the first of his splodge card. Remus took a close look at it.

"What is that? Expressionism?"

"Yes. Sure. What do you think it looks like?"

"A dented saucer."  
"A dented flying saucer, you say? Intereeeesting."

James flipped over the card real quick to give it a look, and sure, he could see it, too. "Ok so what about this one?"

Remus didn't show the second card as much interest as he had the first.

"Blood stains."  
"Riiight. And this one?"

"A black hole?"

"Oh dear..."  
"Why do you say 'Oh dear'?"  
"Uhm because that's what it looks like to me!" He looked at the card. "Oh! Deer!"

"This feels like that Rorschach test."

"Funny? Well it definitely isn't one of those Worcestershire tests! Although if it was, just what is one supposed to do with the answers?"  
"Analyse them, I guess. Maybe let the patient talk freely about what they are seeing. Like, why is it that you see a deer, do you think?"

"Oh I don't know," James sighed and leaned back. "I keep having these recurring dreams where my head is cut off and mounted on a wall. I think it might be because my mum and dad are never home. My dog died when I was ten and I think it was _me_ who hit it with my bicycle. And one time at a wedding I persuaded my cousin to show me hers if I showed her mine-"

"Alright, mate," Sirius interrupted and took over the cards. "This isn't about you. Let's continue. What about this one?"

"That looks like my cousin's-"  
"Not _you!"_

"Well. It does look like that," said Remus.

And he he was surrounded with anatomy books to confirm it.

He closed them.

"Reeeally?" said Sirius. "And why do you think that is?"

"I think I'm just agreeing with what he said."

"Aha. And why do you think that is?"

"His answer influenced my interpretation before I got to make my own."  
"Mhm. And how does that make you feel?"

"Nothing."  
"Like there's an emptiness in your soul?"

"No. Just sort of neutral."  
"Like you've been cursed by your father so many times you forgot how to feel?"  
"Well no because he's never actually been around, sooooo..."

"Oh."

Sirius sighed, disappointed at not getting anywhere.

Until he realised that hey, he had gotten somewhere!  
"Oh! Yesss! Progress! Do talk about that!"  
"That's all there is to it. There's nothing to add."

"Forgive me if I don't believe that. You don't want to attend Med School with unresolved baggage, do you?"

"I guess there might be something to what you're saying. But I really don't know much. What I do know I've gathered from letters I've found in a secret drawer I'm not supposed to look in. There, veiled in a cloud of potpurri mingling with pomander, is a moment frozen in time. Her, a mere humble florist with roses on her cheeks and a partiality to calendulas. Him, a dashing sailor from Domrémy-la-Pucelle, fresh of the bus from Calais and jus popping in for a bouquet for his sister-in-law-"  
"Damn it, Bruce!" said James. "We don't want to talk to _you!_ And personally we already have an ambiguous- Frenchy, we don't need another!"

"Guess you got me, titty kisses," said Bruce. "I just really liked that story. I want it to be true."

"So do I," said Sirius. "So Bruce, when did you decide to join us?"

"What do you mean?"  
"How is it you always appear everytime we're having a conversation that could take a turn for the emotional?"

"It's because it's the only time I have a chance to get a word in edgeways."

"Sure!" said James. "Or it might be because you're a repressed trauma wants to preserve itself!"  
"Whatever. But seeing as I'm running this vessel now, I'm not about to hang out with you fruit bowls. _Á plus."  
_ Then he was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 7

It wasn't just conversations with potential for an emotional turn that triggered the appearance of Bruce.

One morning the kitchen was out of lemon. This simply became too much for Remus, who always took lemon in his tea. It just didn't work with just honey, or just lemon. The day was officially ruined. It had to be _lemon and honey._

Hello, Bruce.

"Well he's not wrong," said Bruce. "Tea is pointless without lemon and honey."  
And since Bruce didn't consider himself to be their friend, he went to seek company elsewhere.

Fletcher, however, oftened seemed to consider himself just that- a friend of the chaps. Especially at Herbology.

"Good morning!" he said, coming over and bringing some obscure plant with him. Because he was such a genious herbologist, he rarely grew what the others were growing. He was very show-offy about this. So show-offy in fact, the chaps sometimes quietly wondered, if he didn't have just a little bit of The Gryff somewhere in the line after all.

But of course there was just _no way_ they'd ever tell him this.

"I bet you wonder what I got here!" he said, putting down his exotic plant.

"No," Sirius replied.

"It's a magical cactus!"  
Spike.

The cactus stood in a pot of desert sand, waving its branches around. The chaps noticed it was missing all the spikes.

"I have to de-spike it from time to time. Seems brutal, but they get allover the place if I don't. It shoots spikes, you see."  
"Don't see what's so impressive about a cactus," said Sirius. "They require little to no care at all."  
"That is a common misconception. But you couldn't be more wrong. I had my pen pal Yun Yun, who lives near the Mekong river, send me water from the Mekong river. This cactus requires a very special kind of water, the kind you find in parts of the Mekong river, where the ghosts swim."

"Is the objective to possess the cactus?" James asked.

"It just likes water with an undertone of ghost, I guess. It's very powerful. Anyway. So, does Rem seem weird to you or what?"

"I don't know _what_ you're talking about..."

"Maybe it's just me, then. I asked if I could have my bottle back. He said, in this voice: _Hold your horses, plum cheeks. I'm not done with it yet._ Maybe I'm overly paranoid. I've just never heard him say 'hold your horses' before."

"I have loads of empty bottles you can have, if you want to take them to a shop or something."

Fletcher lit up.

"Wow thanks a lot!" He lit down again. "But I still need this bottle back. Not just for the bus money, mind! It's a very special bottle for containing Death Water. You see, sometimes when you fill a bottle from a Death Water source, an actual ghost winds up in it." Fletcher scared himself pale. "This bottle has a very special filter to prevent that from happening. It looks like this."  
He showed the chaps what looked like a kind of capsule with special symbols.

"Hm. This is supposed to be _on_ that bottle. Ohhh now I remember..."

Perhaps his lineage wasn't bursting with The Gryff, but it was bursting with forgetful scatterbrains.

"I took it off when I rinsed it and then I forgot to put it back on..."

"So, to be clear," said James. "You gave Rem some of that water?"  
"He thought it would be good for some tree." Shrug.

Fletcher took his cactus and went back to his spot, when James and Sirius had promised to return the bottle to him.

"So it is in fact not a repressed trauma we're dealing with," said Sirius. "But a ghost. And you thought Moony was clinically mental!"

"Hey, it's all ghosts, innit?" James argued.

Again the question was: What to do now?

And: How had the ghost even wound up inside him? Surely he hadn't drunk the stuff!

Clearly the chaps needed to have it confirmed that they really had worked things out this time.

But they needed to be delicate.


	8. Chapter 8

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 8

Yesterday the acute lemon shortage had triggered the appearance of Bruce. Today it was the acute honey shortage. Catastrophy! Tea without honey and lemon was like a rose without leafs and petals apparently.

"Well,well,well," said Bruce. "Ok bye, losers."

"Wait!" said Sirius. "Are you a ghost?"

"Am I a ghost?" Bruce tapped his chin. "To answer that question truthfully: No, I am not a ghost."

"Liar! We _know_ you're a ghost!"  
"Correction: I _was_ the ghost. Your chum is the ghost now."  
"What are you talking about?"

"When he used me to water that tree, I went straight to the fruit. A water ghost has to kill its new host before it can take over, that's just the rule. So in essence, I killed him. It just doesn't appear that way, because his ghost is still here, although it should be in a lake somewhere. You really should have taken the pulse. So, are we done now? I have some bottoms to smack."

"Well actually, Bruce," said Sirius, now putting on a friendly act. "Bruuuuce! Bruce-y! Brucester!"  
"What?"

"My main man! My china plate! That rhymes with mate, ok? Me ol' mucker! That rhymes with-"  
"What do you want?"

"Well, the truth is actually that I think you're heaps fun. So why don't you just go drown yourself?"

Bruce gazed at the far distance, sighing.

"Why do any of us cling to the futility that is existence?"  
If he asked himself that, he was way overdue for drowning himself.

"Think about it!" said Sirius. "You drown yourself so you can have a big underwater ghost-fight, out of which you will come victorious. The body will be _all_ yours!"

"Perhaps. But then I would just have access to _my_ mind. Now I have access to _two_ brains! Never has so much power and knowledge been available to me! But I'm getting stronger. Soon I will dominate this body entirely, while having gained more than I had to sacrifice. It's a win-win! Not to be confused with my sister, Win Win Lee."

"Then we'll push you in," said James, not bothering with any act. "And it doesn't even matter who comes out victorious. If it's you we'll push you back in. Problem solved, end of story, Scout's honour, swear on my nan's life."  
"Why did you just give away the plan?" Sirius asked.

"I don't _do_ the two-faced thing, ok? I find it to be Slytherin-ish."  
"Ok. Don't know why people think we're so stupid..."

"Go ahead and try!" said Bruce. "Get rid of me, the best thing that has ever happened to this guy! Before me he was selling his blood on the black market! Now he's going to med school! And it's all thanks to me! I mean, just listen to _this_ monologue."

Bruce unfolded a napkin with scribbles on and cleared his throat.

"Floors. We walk on them everyday, be it in the wards, the lunch room, the office. But do we ever stop to think what might lie underneath the boards? There might be hidden treasure, or a buried skeleton. But if we just take our time to peer through the crack, we might just find that we've been walking over the very thing we've been looking for the whole time-"

"Sorry where is this going?" Sirius asked.

"It's a metaphor. Has to to with life and existence and stuff. Here's a great one about plastic forks-"  
"Sounds insightful," said James. "But it's no thanks to you. It thanks to that fruit."  
"No," said Bruce. "Because I killed him before it got to work its magic, so it was in fact entirely wasted. The thing that lifted the curse was in fact the sweet release of death, because that always does the trick. So you see, if you push me in a lake so he will get his body back and come alive, you will be undoing all that hard work and ruin everything."  
Some dilemma!


	9. Chapter 9

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 9

That Dilemma required immediate discussion.

"Being possessed by a ghost is just not the way to live," said James. "If I was possessed by a ghost that was a complete twat, I'd want you to tell me and get rid of it. You may note that down, for further reference."

"I didn't bring my What You Would Have Wanted book, but I think I'll remember it," said Sirius.

"And I'll put down the same thing in my book on What You Would Have Wanted."  
"Fine. But it's easy for you to say, 'though." said Sirius. "But if the ghost twat was the only thing that could allow you to live out your dream, would you still feel that way?"

"So we should just let Bruce stick around?"

"He can stick around until he's in med school."

"But he will fail med school because he doesn't want to read and study! He just wants to party like Charles II!"

"He's Chinese, isn't he? He will ace med school."  
But the Dilemma, which seemed like such a Dilemma, wasn't really such a dilemma after all, as the chaps soon came to realise.

Because all that knowledge that Bruce had gained, was knowledge that the chaps had lost! It was in fact _their_ knowledge, and they had lost it to a twat ghost!

"And another thing!" said Sirius, banging the wall. "I don't think he's had a bath since! Let's give him a bath!"  
They left the quiet library and headed in the direction of the Prefect Spa.

"Although perhaps not the prefect spa," said James. "Because I really like it there."

"Hm you're right. Better make it some other place."  
"Why don't we just chuck him in the lake?"

"The lake it is."

The turned around, and headed for the lake instead. Halfway there they began to have second thoughts about the lake as well.

"It may not be a very nice lake that people swim in much," said James. "Not for the pleasure of it anyway."

"Unless they're nerds looking for underwater beastlife," Sirius nodded.

So if the lake was out, what alternatives remained? The chaps were stumped. Completely stumped.

"What about the well?" Peter suggested.

"No, but it's nice of you to pipe up," said James.

Sirius shivered, wearing only a t-shirt. "It's piping cold. Is that an expression?"

"Don't think so, me ol' mucker."

Wait minute.

'Pipe up'? 'Piping cold'?

They had it!


	10. Chapter 10

MULTIPLE FURSONALITY

PART 10

There was another important reason for why Bruce just couldn't stay.

Obviously he knew all their secrets! According to one of them, the map of course, it wasn't at all rare for him to be in the same room as Snape. Most likely it wasn't because he wanted to be his friend for real, he was probably just after his potions.

"Think," said James. "You know how Bruce always comes out whenever the kitchen is out of lemon, honey or lemon and honey? Do you think there is something that could switch him back?"

"Well," said Sirius. "Like you said, he switches to Bruce when he's upset by something, like the time they got the colour of Daisy Duck's bow wrong for example. Interesting thing 'though is that he never wakes up as Bruce."

"Ok he's coming," said James and put away the map.

Bruce came around the corner now.

"Hey Bruce!" said James.

"What's up... insert misogynist remark here," Bruce replied.

The boys didn't know where he was going, only that they weren't going to let him.

"Hey did you hear?"

"Hear what?"

"That they changed the theatre blues at St Mungos to theatre pinks!"

Bruce collapsed on the floor in an instant. When he got up again he was very confused.

"Ok you did your experiment," said Sirius to James.

"When did I get here?" Remus asked, confused.

"Bad news I'm afraid. They changed the theatre pinks at St Mungos back to theatre blues."  
Remus collapsed, and then arose like a Bruce-phoneix.

"Lee you sater, soo yissies..," said Bruce, somewhat unstable on his legs now.

"Damn it, Padfoot!" said James. "We didn't have a plan! Great news, Bruce! The theatre pinks are _still_ theatre pinks!"

Another collapse. And he kept hitting his head really badly.

"Banyhody elth hear that winging thound?" Remus slurred.

"Hey you don't look to well!" said Sirius and steered him towards the men's room nearby.

"I keep blacking out and I don't know why."

"Exam nerves. I find a good splash of water always helps."

Now that they had him where they wanted him- in a lavatory booth- they had to get Bruce back, if they were to be able to go through with the plan.

"I have some bad news," said Sirius. "They discovered that the pigment they use to dye stuff pink is linked to cancer. Therefor pink things have been forbidden by law."  
Collapse. Bruce hit his head right on the seat.

"Ow! The six of you have _got_ to stop doing that!"

"We will!" James assured him.

He and Sirius seized him. They were going to dunk Bruce and flush him to the afterlife.

But Bruce Lee really was a great martial artist. He was so swift that before the chaps knew it, they were sitting under the sink and hurting everywhere, while Bruce was at the door.

"Try that again and you're done for," he said.

Sirius managed to locate his wand.

"Put that down! I got this!" said James, unusually eager. " _Sweeperfy!"_

He produced a broomstick, a very plain one that looked nothing like his sporty _Ziggy Stardust._ This broomstick was nothing more than a brush on a wooden shaft.

But it sure could sweep up a dust storm although there was no visible dust lying around. A swarm of red-eyed dust bunnies attacked Bruce's eyes, nose and throat, disorienting him completely. The _Sweeperfy_ herded the dustbunnies like a sheepdog, and in turn the dustbunnies blocked Bruce from going in any direction except for that of the booth.

"And that's _still_ not all!" said James.

When Bruce stood before the booth, the _Sweeperfy_ tripped him over so he fell down on his knees. James and Sirius rushed to get hold of him. They forced his head down the bowl. Now they were going to flush him.

"What's going on?"

It was Bruce talking, but not with the usual raspy voice.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Crap," James whispered. "What if it's all those blows to the head?"

"He's obviously faking it!" Sirius hissed.

"You sure?"

"Sure I'm sure! Aren't you, Bruce?"

"Who's Bruce? How can you do this to me?" Bruce asked, sounding really pitiful.

"Hey by the way, Bruce, the colour pink has been linked to cancer."

"What do I care about that right now?"

"Aha! You _are_ Bruce, because if you hadn't been Bruce you would have collapsed!"

"I swear I am _not_ Bruce! As sure as my favourite animal is the butterfly!"  
Was that so? That actually took the chaps rather by surprise.

"I didn't know that."

"Well it is, anyway. Is it that surprising?"

It wasn't _surprising_ per se. It just wouldn't have been their first guess on a game show.

"The _Sweeperfy_ is _so_ impressive."  
This softened James. A very lot.

"Really?"

"Oh yeah! It's so much better than the _Bubblefy!"_

"Well you're not wrong there!" He turned to Sirius. "I guess he _is_ telling the truth!"  
"I've always been so jealous of it," said either Bruce or Remus.

"Weeeell can't say I blame- Hang on! What do you mean, 'always'?"

"Since the first time I saw it."  
"This _was_ the first time you saw it!"

Pause.

"Oh. Well, you know, lately I've been so confused and had so many blackouts and whatnot..."  
"Let's just be done with it!" said Sirius.

He and James forced Bruce's head as far down the bowl as it would go, held him there and flushed. Bruce struggled and struggled, but the chaps held him down until his futilre struggle was... no more.

Their hearts pounded. Doing this had made perfect sense before. Now they began to fear they had been too rash again.

Gulp.

"Suuuure taking their time," said Sirius. "How long do you suppose a ghost fight might take?"

A chap wanting to use one of the loos met with a swarm of dustbunnies and an asthmatic attack.

The pipes seemed to sing as the water ran through it, a song sounding vaguely like _Chanson d'Amour,_ but with more hissing.

Then at last something happened. Remus began to twitch. James and Sirius pulled him out. He gasped for breath.

"Quickly!" said James. "What's your favourite animal?"

"Favourite animal?" Remus asked, wheezing and coughing up water. "I don't have a bleeding favourite animal!"

Sirius nodded. "Only lies have embellishment."  
Hen he tried to take Remus's pulse real quick, but he pulled back his wrist.

"What are you doing?!"

"Making sure you're really alive this time!"  
"Why am I all wet? Why am I in a loo?"

James, too, was really convinced now. He had seen enough of Spells & Curses to know that this was the standard reaction of a recently possessed person.

"Let me ask you," said Sirius. "Were you in a big ghost fight just now?"

"Huh?"

It seemed like they would have to explain everything. So they did just that.

"So," said Sirius. "Were you in a big ghost fight just now?"

The hysteria was subsiding now.

"I don't know!" said Remus. "Probably not! It's not how it works!"

"Isn't it?"

"You tell me I've been a ghost, yeah? Well, the ghost is always next in line for the body. Why would there be a fight? I need a bath yuck!"

He stormed out of the men's room.

Only by going without that nerdiness for a while, had the chaps realise how much they needed it.

XXX

It sure was nice to be rid of Bruce Lee once and for all. One sunny Saturday afternoon Remus took his collection of insightful metaphors and chucked it in the bin. After that he was going to the owl tower to send a letter to St Mungos.

"That is so rash!" said Sirius. "You have a foot in! Why throw it away?"

"Because I am sick and tired of all the lies piling up."  
"Oh come one. We _all_ lie. Lying is healthy! Lying is a sign of creativity and intelligence, did you know that? Liars make it! It's the best thing to be!"

"It's fine. I just don't want it now."

Then he flipped through a really old issue of _Cave's Digest._

It didn't matter if he liked the outdoors or that he found the idea of a hermit's life romantic. Sirius didn't and that was all that mattered.

"What about law school?"

"What of it?"

"It's full of eccentrics. You'd be surprised to hear that everybody's mad in law school."

Remus actually glanced up from _Cave's Digest_ for a moment.

"Well how mad?"

"I went to their open house. One bloke wore bunny ears. This chick talked to people that weren't really there. I caught another chap hyperventilating over his shoelaces. I'm telling you they're all completely bonkers."

"You're not just... saying that?"

But apparently a school full of bonkers people wasn't enough of a motivator for Remus, who ultimately found law school to be too 'suit-and-tie' for him. He put away _Cave's Digest._

"I just remembered, I have to return that bottle. And send some mail."

While he had his back turned looking for the bottle, Sirius opened the letter to St Mungos Sand replaced it with some of those insightful metaphors.

"Found it!"  
"Awesome."


End file.
